Remembering Passion While Dealing With Adversity

Sitting on the porch with a scribbled-in notebook in front of me just a few minutes ago , God decided show me something. I never realized how much my heart desperately needed it until now...

For the last couple weeks, I've felt my heart slowly hardening in my walk with the Lord. I've really just felt overwhelmed with life. There has just been so much to deal with lately. We've had numerous automotive and computer problems (which you've probably read about). We've learned we have a new little one on the way, which brings all sorts of transitions and adjustments with it. We've also hit probably the biggest roadblock we've had so far with support raising. I had hopped our recent trip north would have finished out our monthly support. Instead, it wasn't nearly as fruitful as I had hoped, and in addition, we've had our monthly goal increased by our coach because of the baby on the way. With literally only a handful of people to talk to left in Texas, the consistent thought on my mind has been "Wow, how is this going to happen God, especially now with the increase we have in monthly support to raise?"

All of this mixed together has brought about a subtle hardening of my heart and has allowed a creeping doubt to settle into my mind about our calling as missionaries. "Is this really where you want us to be God?" has become the subtle attitude I've picked up the last few weeks. I know it sounds ugly, but I'm being transparent and honest with you. This is where my heart has been at. With the news of our baby, I've felt like I'm at a crossroads. Do I continue to lead our family down the road of support raising in the midst of what seems to be insurmountable odds or do I dismiss our calling and just go get a regular 9 to 5 job that will comfortably provide for our growing family? It's a testing ground I know...it's where the rubber meets the road...

Today during my quiet time, God reminded me of His calling on my life. I went out on the back porch with my old journals. (I like writing out my thoughts and prayers during my quiet times with God.) I wasn't expecting much. My times with Him have been pretty dry lately. What I read in my journals though brought tears to my eyes and stirred up my heart once again. I'd like to share one part of an old entry with with you...maybe you'll understand a little bit more of what my heart needed to be reminded of...

This entry is from roughly two years ago during my last fall retreat as a student. I had already sensed God calling me to work with Crusade from the amazing summer he had led me on before in Orlando, where I not only met Jenn but also learned about leaving worldly success behind and working for the Kingdom. During the retreat, God challenged me with some huge questions, many of them which still resonate deeply within my heart. He was bringing me to a decision point where there was no middle ground to stand on...

"Would you go if called? Would you go all in? Would you suffer questions, comments, and persecutions from family who doesn't understand? Would you give up professional success? What are you holding back? How can you serve the Kingdom the most? Would you join staff with Crusade? Would you pursue reckless abandonment for Christ? He has called you, bought you, and has pursued and captivated your heart. Will you help to reach others? Will you be a man...a man of God? Will you Jaisen? Will you? Will you reach others and be a servant of Christ? Will you loose your life to ultimately gain it? Will you? Will you? The world needs to hear about Christ. Will you face your ultimate fear and raise support in order to reach others with the Gospel?"

Some pretty intense questions...my response at the time after praying about these questions?

"Okay, so here it is. Here is where I draw the line. Here is where I totally commit to you. Father, I desire staff and will pursue it. I want to be your Peter. I want to follow hard after you, to seek you with my whole life. That is my desire my King. As you told him to feed your sheep, so will I. I want to be on the front line serving you my King. Let me be a harvester for the Kingdom of Light. I want abundant life. I will go to whichever campus you are leading me. Make the next step in this path clear to me..."

As I sat on the back porch today, those words penetrated my semi-hardened heart. Sometimes it's incredible to have God remind you of things He has brought you through in the past. As I sat there praying about it, I knew that this spot we are in right now is right where He wants us. We are still called to take the Gospel to students. No seemingly insurmountable odds will change that. The God we serve can create the world with his voice, part seas, walk on water, and raise the dead to life. Surely, he can raise the remainder of our support. He owns everything. We'll see full support someday...it will be in His timing though.

My rejuvenated heart is excited about reporting to campus. I can't wait to be used by God to reach a young freshman guy living in the dorms with the good news of Christ. I can almost picture the day in my mind. It's an absolutely incredible thing to think about. It stirs up passion in my heart...I can't wait!

So for now I press on with a rekindled fire in my heart. I don't know how full support will happen, but I'm confident in my God to get us there. Thank you for your prayers.