A Heart Issue...Control

I feel like I’ve been hit with a spiritual 2 x 4 this last week. God has been revealing a lot about my heart and asking to do some renovation in it. The main focus: Control stemming from my Perfectionism.

Give me a syllabus, explain to me how to get an A, layout a time line, and I will work like none other to get the job accomplished to perfection. Whether in school, work, play, or lately support raising, second place has never been an option or acceptable in my mind. Sacrifice everything to stand out above the rest has been the ugly subconscious attitude my heart has been rearing. Give me the process, I’ll gain control of the situation, and I’ll show you just how well someone can perform. I’ll pull up my bootstraps, rise above the rest on the ladder, get the 4.00, and shine out success. It’s been my silent mantra for years.

God is breaking through to my heart though. There is absolutely no way I can do support raising without Him. I thought support raising would be simple. Crusade has developed a process that says we should be reporting to campus within 8 months. If I just follow that system perfectly, we’ll make it there on time…maybe even before.

How wrong I’ve been. This is God’s arena. This is God’s fight. He’s showing me that my perfection attitude has kept me bound hostage as a legalistic servant. I have not been living in the freedom-filled sonship He has for me. This realization has brought me to my knees the last few days. It’s a refocusing perspective change on life. It has never been about me getting the A in my relationship with God…it’s about knowing Him more. There is no grade…there’s only freedom and love.

Those indescribable quiet times with the Lord I’ve had…the adrenaline-filled ways He has worked through me in the past…my dependence and relinquishing of control to Him…Sonship…these are the things my heart desperately craves. This is the relationship He has called me to through Christ. Pray for God to work mightily in our support raising…not Jaisen.